*Alarm Ringing for fajar*

5:30 am   August 31, 2017

I am 2 days past my due date, having zero patience now. I feel a sudden sharp pain in my back, as if someone was twisting my spinal cord. It went away after a few seconds. I made ablution for FAJAR, and it came again. The sharp pain. As soon as I finished my prayer I knew today was the day for which I was waiting for the past 9 months.

10:30 am

Sharp pains/Some one ripping my back apart also commonly known as contractions, now getting too close. I was barefoot walking in my hall way trying to breath and relax. Reciting every verse that I could think of from the Holy Quran whilst my sister (who was the only one in the house who knew that I was in Labor) nervously preparing a grilled cheese sandwich for me. I ate some and then went to take the longest shower I ever took till date.

I knew I had to have my contractions 3 Mins apart to rush to the hospital. So I was patiently waiting for them to get closer, to be patient was the most difficult thing to do.

3:00 pm-4:00 pm

My mother sitting next to me rubbing my back while I was sipping some chicken soup that she prepared for me. (At this point my entire house knew I was in Labor,of course). My youngest sister offered me to braid my hair and I am so glad that I said Yes.

 Belly fed, shower taken, somewhat groomed and now I can’t bear this pain anymore. I call my husband (MR. R) who was at the mosque praying Asar, telling him it’s time to go to the hospital.

4:15 pm- 5:20 pm

We rush to the hospital and it’s the biggest day for all the Muslims around the world. Today is the day of Arafat and most of the hospital staff is having a day off. So is my Doctor. I was taken straight to the Labor room and then shifted in minutes on to the delivery table. My doctor arrived and I was relieved at the sight of her.

My Mom by my side feeling helpless but giving me all the strength through her words. Constantly telling that I could do it when I thought that I couldn't.

5:35 pm

In a matter of just 12 hours, from Mrs. R, I became Umme Rayyan (Mother of Rayyan). I just could not believe that I had given birth. I knew I was going to, for all these 9 months, but all of a sudden I was hit with the feeling of becoming a mother like a ton of bricks. I realized that this tiny human, my son, is completely depended on me and this is when I had faced reality face to face.

I didn’t know postpartum depression was for real until I had it. I would sob for hours without knowing the reason. I would get uncontrollably emotional seeing my baby. I knew no one would understand what I am going through and it was just too difficult to explain. Because apparently you are blessed with such happiness, there should be no space for sadness! I was happy that I had my baby for whom I was waiting for. But I was sad because the privileges that I took so granted all this time were all taken away from me.

I missed taking long showers or just chilling with my siblings.

I missed going on long rides with my husband or watching Quantico with him.

I missed the “me” time that I always had and never made use of it.

I missed sending Mr. R to work, tying his tie and handing his wallet to him.

More than anything, I missed being ME….

Then one day as my mother was looking at Rayyan, she said: God, he has really grown since he was first born. That was when I realized that after few months I will miss how tiny my baby was when he was first born. Or the freckles he had on his nose which have gone. Or the fact that he just doesn’t fit my lap anymore………These thoughts made me appreciate the day I was living in, not the days which were gone. Someone has rightly said: “Do not cry over the spilled milk”.

 I learned to enjoy the happiness of today and that of the past. I learned to love the ones who are with me today and God knows where they will be tomorrow.

Now I enjoy sitting in the back seat with my baby and showing him places, I enjoy his tiny achievements everyday, I love playing dressup with him and more than anything, I enjoy the ‘New Mom Me version’.

The days which are gone were fun but we should not miss the happiness of today rethinking and being in the past. Because what you missed today will also be gone tomorrow. Live each day.